Blankly staring at my payroll file and subsequent months’
prediction sent to me by the HR Dept in my computer screen, my thoughts danced
like pieces of a maze, trying to fit each other and make sense of the puzzles.
'Chaos' -that would have been a much better word than 'puzzles' to describe my
state of mind at that time.
The IT projection was not what I expected and rather disappointing, and the certainty of
going to work in Chhattisgarh and the possibility of being there for much more than a year -and to top everything, I have had higher pay/salary options before I took a
very value based decision to join APF, and joining APF instead of going back
home to work among my people as I always promised myself, etc. were some of my previous decisions that is spinning in
my head now.
All these certainties, possibilities and the eventualities made me
almost puke. To add to my woes, I don’t know what is in store for me when I
go to Chhattisgarh. After one month of induction programme in Bangalore which
impressed me somehow, I have some idea of what APF is doing, but I still have a
much more vague idea of what I could do and how I could contribute....
I know what I want from life, my life goals are set, I know
exactly how I want to see myself a decade down the line, but uncertainties
and confusions had always been my biggest enemy and I am not very good at
dealing with it.
Perhaps once I go to Dhamtari and started having an idea of what
all is being done there, the puzzles might fit together. Perhaps things will
fall in to place, and perhaps they will eventually come to make a perfect sense
in the grand scheme of my life.
My beliefs and goals are not
different from APF's, but what are different is the end beneficiaries. I have
always made a point that I’ll go back to my home, to my people, so that I can
contribute and enrich their life further...and I know the situation in Chhattisgarh,
especially among the tribal, is as worse.
My point being, I’m a man driven by passion, and I don’t know if
APF will post me here for forever, but once the passion in me come out or fail
to come out, I'm afraid that I might got stuck here for forever.
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